Taku Haerenga ki Kanata...Raa Mutunga.

I'm left...to wait...for ages!





as if you couldn't wait to see the back of me!





Years of planning


days of sacrifice..


Times of uncertainty that I wouldn't make it???



Just to discover....





A hollow feeling, like plastic against my skin...I'm not the person you expected, and neither are you....powerful thoughts, more powerful feelings.



Pretty pictures of places I have never imagined.


Features that accent my view.


A Maple Leaf centered in the middle of the ''Golden Arches''


This pleases me....he rerekeetanga pai teenei.




No security in a friendship meant for 2 people.




Negative experiences and the forecoming mothers blood, but not early enough...and what influence it will have on my experience here, and your's.


Far from home...Lack of wairua, loss of mana and a slow depletion of aroha.




"I just want to have a good vacation. I don't want to talk about it (with you). I don't want to argue...It's my vacation too."

Its not my vacation! My thoughts return to Aoteroa. My life continues without me...steadily moving on course. Class, research, class, whaanau (Kii au nei, me koe hoki.) work. Leaving me behind...

I want to talk about my dis-comfort. I want to argue about dis-ease, why I feel insecure. I would rather argue, than not talk. Not talking about an issue, usually leads to not talking at all... (Whakaaro Paakehaa teenei.)
More sacrifice, but unseen....



WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS??



"The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the one's worth suffering for." -Bob Marley.

Are you a "one's"? Am I for you? Time will tell me...and distance will show me.

Will I say I trust you again.....will you???

we need to talk...

Respect, Honesty and Communication....these are the parameters.

Jetlag

Weary, late....I've been here for a good while now.

Far out fitgue can play with your mind.

"I can do It"!

I meant "fatigue"...disjointed thorts that seem to make sense at the time, and then you really really need to sleep.

But yyour body is awake...or is it the other way around.

As long as Im happy with my destination...this too will resolve its self. New lands....new people...new language.

Is jetlag from the plane trip, time and space difference or the over exposure to "new"?


Is there a difference?? I was sitting in a plane for 13 hours. THe only wa y I could tell I was moving was by the sound of the engines pumping and the tilt of the plane. Then touch down...How do I know I wasn't just dangling in the air for the same amount of time and Papatuanuku put on the cloak of another make...with new children, included in the price of the ticket.

Glad to be here...Mates, friends.....glad to have made it. Deflate. Relax and enjoy. These are the rewards of jetlag...I think? I forgot jetlag is new too.

Weary...I need to sleep!

Mr Death and the re-alignment!!

I didn't really care if Mr Deaths tea was cold or not. And he knew it, but, with his usual grace of self, Mr Death beared down and awaited for more to come. Mr Death was not wrong to think so.

My mood had been hollow and harsh.

I acted like I knew better than he and any one else out there, and I was not willing to be lenient whats so ever. However, Mr Death could see the holes in my strategy and the loops in my techniques. The main point missed by my tunnel vision, was the one glaring point Mr Death hadn't. The truth being, I was out of line, and I didn't even know it!

EGG.

So, Mr Death mustered enough paitence, so not to laugh at me till he's sides splits and enough compassion, so not to just take me to the rest that waits, and listened:

"Well...it was the best thing I could have done for her. IF, I hadn't helped her...she would be in the same place She haD been beforE. It wouldn't haVe hurt her toO Much I recKon mR Death."


"...really?"


"well....I've been down that road myself...stuck, in, mmmy own mind. But I got thru it. and I could be able to help...Im telling you now I can do...wonderful things for her annd the rest of them, as long as they listened to me and I can get them through this stale place...Its like they love living this way...Im gonna give them choices and options....but she neededd to wake up. Tha's why..I had too!!

My eyes had become brightened by the clarity of future ventures, movement, motion. I could feel the pitch of my voice go up...Mr Death sat with an eager posture. There was no question coming from him...I continued my case.

"Yep...and there was no real issue with shoving her around and making her listen. I had been assertive. And she needed to hear it...I'll just think about what I've done after we've finished the work we've started...Theres not much that can be said now that its happened...with all that in mind what else could there possibly be left to say about my pushing her around to get my point across...whats done is done, what I've done???..."

At that stage, spoken with a clear soft voice, Mr Death uttered two sentences that brought me crashing to the floor...defeated, detested and accountable. Leaving me to question the person I am, and the path I am becoming.


"You don't have the right to harm anybody. You do not have the right."

EXOTIC

...how do you define exotic??

I have always pictured "exotic" as a steaming jungle that hasn't be touched by humanity's hunger for excess. Where the scent of wet spice and savage danger thinkens the air. Where the sounds of the birds and animals that call the jungle home are just as vocal at night as they are during the day. Where there are a million shades of green and a zillion shades of mother nature at her hottest, or

A canary yellow Diablo Lamborghini pounding the road at a cruise of 160km/phr like it was a Sunday drive at 50km. It would take corners like it was a lazy boy in full use....easy as. It would be as fast coming as the moans of a 18 year old teenaged girl sharing her "exotic" for the first time, speeding at neck breaking pace to the top of her mountain.

or...

white glass sand for miles...no one around but you, plunging waves with clean breaks the sun that is hot enough to warm the water to a balmy 22 degrees, the moon big enough to light your nocturnal adventures, fresh fruit, an endless glass of "The eye of the hurricane"...and company.

In saying that...
How I define what isn't "exotic"? Completing 11 out of 12 steps in a 12 step programme is not exotic...its embarassing.

Taking a date to McDonalds, and then the park...and you're in your 3o's is not exotic. Thats just sad...

umm..and to conclude, I don't think cuzzies are exotic though.

We're cuzzies! but thats me.

Sit back be easy....

Lost without words, I'm thinking, what is the purpose to it anyway??
That's what I'm asking you??
Left shattered and hurting. Pick myself up I'm worth it!
It's what I have to do. It's what i Have to do.

As I move towards the reason for my being. I hope I recognise the lessons as they come to me.

Cause I can't have everything.
No, I can't have everything. x2
But I can have me.

Sit back be easy, take in solace as you breath and breath out everything, you don't want in you.
Collective beliefs be proven. You should do as we say, just don't do as we do. (We)Have other plans for you.

As you move towards the reason for your being. I hope you recognise the lessons as they come to you.

Cause you can't have everything.
No, you can't have everything. x2
But you can have me.

OOOOh...Run for cover when things get scary.
OOOOh...Don't want others finding out.
OOOOh...The lapse of judgements temporary.
OOOOh...Back tomorrow lying to myself.

Cause I don't need everything.
And I don't want everything.
Cause it wouldn't mean anything,
without you.

Sit back be easy. Take in solace as you breath.

Mr Death and sex.

As always, I waited patiently...I knew he'd be over soon...And this time I had all the questions and I wanted him to answer...

I set the table with all the good favourites. Tea, cupcakes (Mr Death showed a liking for cupcakes) Then waited patiently. He was late!! Did he know what my plan was?? I started to worry that something bad had happened to Mr. Death, and as quickly as I had had the thought, was a quickly as I had started laughing at the thought...(Had something bad happened to Mr. Death, C'mon self!!). Knock, knock...I stood with a start and moved to greet my friend....I gave him a rushed but loving hongi, poured his tea, and straight into the topic for the day...

"Mr. Death...What up with sex, cuz???"

Mr Death didn't appreciate it when I called him cuz, mainly because it usually expressed my annoyance or followed with an annoying request. This time I had managed to incorporate both aspect of annoyance at once!!

"Can you extend on your question please?" Mr Death replying with his droll tone.

"Well, whats the purpose?? I mean, if it's only meant for procreation?? Then why give humans sex drive?? If it's meant to be an express of love?? Then why call it sex?? If it's meant to be the paramount of physical connection?? Then why have so many contradictory rules of engagement??"

Of course at that point I had gone off on a tangent, and had forgotten I had had a guest in the first place...I turned around with a surprised look on my face when I heard Mr Death clear his throat, I apologised, and asked him to forgive my rudeness.
Mr Death graciously accepted and (for the first time) systematically addressed each question.

"The reason for so many rules is because you people are selfish! And rather than allowing the connection to happen. You people would rather know what that physical connection has to offer first, before you connect. Therefore, you people are the reason there are, as you put it, "So many contradictory rules of engagement"

At this point I started to feel sick.

"The reason it is called sex is because you people could not handle the responsibility of love, but did not want to sacrifice the pleasure it afforded, so, being the arrogant creatures you people are, you people changed the name to something that can be contained...If you notice this relates directly to the previous question."

At this point I knew us people were getting hammered by Mr Death.

"That being said, you will not be surprised when I say, you people were not given sex drive. You people gave yourselves sex drive. The gods gave you love with the intention that off-spring would be a result of that love. Sex does not come from the gods, love does!!

I felt a change in Mr Death, that scared me, At this point I knew Mr Death was on his own tangent.


"You people have been given the gift of love, and life, yet you people manipulate both to protect your insecurities. You people speak lies, and say you do so, because you do not want to hurt others! When in fact you people speak lies, because you people do not want others to take their love from you! Love is everywhere, yet you people can not see it until it is pointed out to you, and in return, you people spend great amounts of time, trying to discredit what you've been shown. You people can be shown, taught, told and guided to what love means, and what purpose love has, but the arrogance and ignorance of your kind is all you people believe in. What do you have to say to this my child?"

At this point I knew I was getting hammered by Mr Death, and I need to re-establish myself.

"You need to get laid Cuz!!"

Lyrics.

Take your time to see the view,

when the starts are shining and the moon is still(full).

When all is said and done...you know your gonna run, so take your time to see the view!

Have your question have your truth! Work with the answers that work for you. When all is said and done, you know your gonna run, so, work with the answers that work for you.

Chorus:
Baby why'd you do that?
Baby why'd you have to leave?
Baby don't you know that,
Baby don't you know I need?? x2.

Make your leave or make you move.
Go or stay. It's all on you.
When all is said and done, you know your gonna run, so, make you leave or make you move (or, go or stay it's all on you.)

Chorus.

Bridge:
I don't care what you say. You know the rules now play the game. You'll learn patience and I'll learn to wait. Hope I see you face and then...

You'll give me you hand,I'll give you proof. Of someone who's willing to stand with you....when all is said and done...there's no where else to run...so give me your hand I'll give you proof. (or when someone is willing to stand with you.)

Takato, tiiraha, okioki.

Gone,

It is set by time, and soon in will be set in stone.

Do I swallow light to make myself live?

or

Do I live in the dark, and call it a life?

Answer me! you won't, not with touch, sound, sight, taste, scent.

Not in my waking, just in my dreaming.

Answer me please? Will my plead ease your apprehension?

Anger swells my belly, sorrow disjoints my thoughts. Alone in my heart...but not alone in my cause.

! see if I care. (This is a lie! RUKAHU! False, incorrect, unreal. Unstoppable, unmovable.)

Fuck you!! You see I care.

And now, I see my caring.

My weakness set by time, and soon will be stone.

...of course you'd ask that!!!

"Okay, so....tea, cakes, sandwiches and savouries are ready! My house is clean."
I was so excited about Mr Death coming to visit today! I stood and clapped my hands with glee. I was sure that Mr. Death would be impressed with the knowledge on life I had managed to attain, procure and steal. I loved speaking to Mr Death about "life". I knew it was silly. Talking to Death about the subject of living. I mean, what would Death need to know about living in the first place. Mr Death had always said:

"The moment of clarity just before my "clients" join me...is an expression that makes my work worth the heart ache. Even if, said "client's" final destination left little to be desired...if you catch my drift. In that solitary instant, all in the world is as it is meant to be."

I usually replied with: "I'm Maaori. We don't believe in the "drift" concept "The North" have with death. We (Maaori) talk to our dead directly." At which point, I squared Mr Death with my eye and ended my statement with, "..as you already know." Pretending to be bored with his lack of applied knowledge of my background.

But today was a different story. I knew I had lots to tell Mr Death! And on a subject that, for a along time now, had eluded my logic. LOVE!!! ooooh.

Knock, knock. He's here!! Yah! A shiver of chill swept my spine when I realised this was an unusual response to Death calling, but over the past few months I had developed a respect for Death. I felt that, even when Mr Death did come to visit me for real. I would still harbour that respect, even if my final destination sucked.

"Kia ora Mr Death" Leaning into hongi Mr Death was always an adventure. As well as being very ironic. Mr Death's discomfort for hongi was obvious. However, he always humoured me, by taking part. Applying his knowledge of my background this way, pleased me every time. It was usually the only part of our encounters where I consistently felt I had the upper hand. Today would be different. I would have the upper hand throughout our whole conversation.

With the type of excitement that, only a child that suffers from A.D.H.D or a cheerleader hopped up on sugar, could posses. I invited Mr. Death to have a seat. Placing a hot cup of tea in front Mr Death. I took my own seat next to him and started our hui.

"So, Mr Death. I have some great things to share this week!!" Smiling my arse off.

"Really?" His reply was as dry as always.

"Yep! I learned about "LOVE" Mr Death. And I think I've got it all sorted out now." I flicked my eyes in his direction to see if I had his full attention. When I was sure I did, I continued.

"Well, I thought a lot about Love. So I decided to research the subject. I asked my lecturers, fellow students, friends and family what they thought about love. From there, I sat down with all the research I had been attained. And now I have a firm academic understanding of LOVE."
Mr Death usually rolls his eyes at this point, anticipating verbal diarrhoea, but this time he just sat and waited.

"Right, a common comment, by most of the people I talked to, about Love. Is that "Love conquers all." And that there is no greater power in the world. So, I was thinking that if this is true...love would over-come death too" I knew this would please Mr Death to bits. He got a thrill out of the ignorance and arrogance of the living. I flicked my eyes at him again.

"Right?" replied Mr Death.

"Yep. You see the living need Love to be living. With Love, we the living can accomplish anything and everything we put our minds to. It is my opinion that Love inspires, like the little Beethoven dude. His love for music had him writing symphonies even when he went death, I mean deaf. Love motivates, like when Burt Munroe re-built a perfectly functioning Indian motorcycle, and turned into a speed eating death machine...that cuz loved going fast. Love satisfies, like when I'm at the marae. Whatever the reason. I will have very little sleep, rest or free time. Yet, when I leave, I'd be all the richer for being there. Because I got a big "feed" of love. What do think?" I asked, hoping Mr Death would just want me to keep talking.

"Interesting."

"Love. I've got it sussed. It is the most powerful emotion in the world and it's free. I had read somewhere, or saw it...whatever, "Love is the one thing that can not be bought or sold, traded or negotiated. It can only be given." So, Mr Death, even when things suck big time. I'll just remind myself about how inspirational love is and I'll be back on track. LOve will be my first line of defense and first course of action...I'm made" I sat back in my chair. I was pleased as cheese, with what I had stated. I was sure Mr Death wouldn't have any issues with LO(ve now. I had researched and compiled my thought nicely...expressing my findings quiet concisely. I turned to Mr Death, and as I topped up his cup with tea, sure there were no questions he could think of, I asked: "What do you think?"

Mr Death picked up his cup and sipped from it.

"I'm please with your research. It was informative and well thought out!" I agreed eagerly.

"I've learned a lot from this little session"

I was confident that there would be nothing else he would want know. But he did. And with his one single inquiry, Mr Death managed to strip me of the confidence that I possessed only moments before.

"So, my child. With the thoughts you have shared with me, can you tell me this?"

My blood started to rush and my thoughts started to race. What would he ask! This time Mr Death looked square into my eyes. "Here we go!!" I thought. He asked:

"Can you tell me? How does "LOVE" feel?"

AUE!!

When the Kowhai tree.....

When the Kowhai tree blooms, the kina are fat!!

The season is here for Hauhake o nga tamariki o Tangaroa. (the harvest of the ocean)

Well, I love being Maori (Tangata Whenua). Mainly, because I love the kai my people celebrate.... All of my favourite food come from my beloved home land. MEAN!!... ofcourse, chocolate being the exception.... in saying that, if cuzzies, could grow coacoa, I'd have no real reason to leave my shores... I have other reasons obviously.... but food would not be one of them.

So, this entry is dedicated to KINA. (Evechinus chloroticus) Kina is a sea urchin... and Maori eat em'. Well the tounge anyway.




Nothing wrong with that Bei!! AUE Hi!

As you can see from my wee vid...the smile says it all mate.... LOVE it!

Madness hits me once a years...like clock work!!

This is a picture of the next breeding ram on my cousins farm. He's spunky. He's for the ladies...and there's a personal reason why I favour him...




Lambs tails. A post-contact adopted tradition. I love them, and this year had the pleasure of docking the tails myself...Nothing like a person getting their "Farm On" so to speak. I love them!!

After HOw Long...

After how many year....Mate, what the? Speaking honestly....FuckN Funny.

Pe Ao Pe Ao

I love the lesson my Nannies leave for me as I grow old. I have had a couple of hard lessons this year, as some of my previous entries may indicate....Heoi ano, i haere tonu au. Te mea nuinga i te wharangi...Ako tuatahi:

"What do I want?" Learn everyday. Fall in love at least once a day. I want to speak my truth. Hear my voice. Listen to your truth...hear your voice. Be kind of heart and strong of mind. Ahakoa he iti, he pounamu!
That being said, here's a list of some truths for me.

Modest women are sexier to me, than women that aren't modest.
Thank you Alicia Keys.

As long as my lover and I can keep each other laughing...There reason to keep working towards an on going relationship.
Thank you Athena Prentice.

"There's nothings wrong with babies...Its their parents"
Thank you Romeo Te Aho

And finally...

If you can not handle me at my worst....then there's no way you deserve me at my best.
Thank you Marilyn Munroe.

This is a post I believe, will have its own mauri. I hope I will continue to add to this particular entry.

To those that I've mentioned in this post. Thank you again for the contributions you have made to my life journey. I wish you all the best in this life and the next.*w*

Love is a rip-off deal.

Love is like inheriting a pair of hand-me-down track pants from your deceased father, and making them the most valuable piece of clothing in your wardrobe.

Love is like a cantankerous old cat, that thinks he's a human, waiting for his best friend to return...where is he??

Love is a rip-off deal. Love moves around you, and in you, and away from the space that holds your name. Yet you can not move without love. You're in trouble....Trouble, confusion.

Love harbours your desire, but rejects reason...Trouble, confusion...lack of reason.

Love will take blooded mouth fulls of my reason. Wanting more, to eat at my reason, bite at my soul...feed my desire, give me hope...I will not allow love to harbour my desire, like a child nestled in the arms of their mother. This is trickery! Instead, I will think love and feel reason.
Reason tells me love makes little sense. Reason tells me water, food and shelter are all I need to sustain. If this is true? I can tell love,

FUCK OFF!!

Love is a rip-off deal. I will make the deal. I will hurt my own reason....lack of reason. I will strive to harbour love...confusion. I will move with, towards love...trouble. I have to, because
I am love.

Woman aren't all that easy to be with either you know.

In the traditions of my people...woman, depending on your origins. Are held with the same regard and authority as men. Being a direct desendent of a Matriarchal blood line. I have solid information, understanding and knowledge of the power a women can possess....as well as the suffering a woman may endure to fillful and accomplish whatever it is she pursues. Whereas, a man with less ability could achieve the same goal with ease. STINK. But thats not why I'm here, so to start...

Women aren't all that easy to be with either, you know.

How the hell can you please a person...that can find fillfulment in a bubble bath, a glass of wine and a book?

How the hell can you correctly interpret a persons thoughts and feelings...when the only words you have to work with are..."What do you think?" AYE!!

How do you stand by them and not be considered "Clinging"?, yet give them space...and then you're unsupportive>>Thats Crazy.

How do you stop loving them...before they stop listening?.....Big secret about women...is...wait for it....

They Don't Listen Either.

With that said....WOMEN ARE AMAZING.

Chai Latte...

It's not Chai Tea....That would be Tea Tea.

Scent: Cinnamon opened awareness.

Taste: Istantaneous ecstacy.

Evaluation: Joy Milk Explosion!

Waiting for Death.

I was sitting with Mister Death one day...well in the Paakeeha sense of death anyway...Wanting to ask questions.
With my courage finally plucked up enough, as well as the priority of the questions delicately constructed. I continued with my path.

"Mister Death" I asked timidly. "Why do we wait for death?"
"Why, do humanity wait for death? When, the fact of the matter is, that from birth all a person can and is doing is dying?"

Mister Death asked for an example. Feeling a little more confident, with the advent of a response, I ventured on. "When "we" have an estimated time limit destowed on us by the supposed "Medical Profession" The waiting is compounded by what we can do with that time. Yet, we're waiting, Why?"

"What about istant death?" Mister Death inquired.

"Whether its a car crash or choking on a bone....death up until the time it occurs, and more so when it does occur is present in "our" minds. Although, it may not have been apparent to the person dying. Sadly, that persons death is a reminded to others that they too, will "pass on"...So, why wait for death?"

At this point I felt passion for what I was in pursuit of..."When, as a family you are given the news that your father has less than 7 weeks to live, if that. Why wait for death?"

By now my curiousity, had turned to enthusiasm, my enthusiasm had turned to passion, my passion had turned to anger. I continued..."When, your nephew is swept into the ocean by a "FREAK" wave, to drown. WHY DO WE STILL WAIT FOR DEATH?"

Mister Death looked at me...spying the tears roll down my face. Reaching out to me with stick like movement, quietly pulling me in close. While in his embrace Mister Deaths whispers in my ear...

"My dear Child...Thats a question for Life."

Okay....Lets give this a go..

Over the past few weeks I been exposed to some new things. Blogging, definately one of them. I will admit, that, some of what Ive experienced has been testing, while other things, were more...Trailing. Yet all have been of benefit (one way or another)

For example...A friend of mine was talking about the way people can get caught up in the "Drinkin To GET Drunk" following their statement with "Ever body, at some point makes the choice to pursue that result. It was at that point I interjected with this idea, that "choice" is available with every drink....I believe that 2 be simple enough??? maybe...not.

because it was at that point my friend pointed out that not everybody thinks with such clarity.

eeeeesqeezze me?

HOW Do YOU Drive this Thing???

Wow, the things you do to become a groupie....So, people where to from here....I know...WAIATA.
" Stop in the name of love....
B4 U break my heart....Think it over...Oooh