Taku Haerenga ki Kanata...Raa Mutunga.

I'm left...to wait...for ages!





as if you couldn't wait to see the back of me!





Years of planning


days of sacrifice..


Times of uncertainty that I wouldn't make it???



Just to discover....





A hollow feeling, like plastic against my skin...I'm not the person you expected, and neither are you....powerful thoughts, more powerful feelings.



Pretty pictures of places I have never imagined.


Features that accent my view.


A Maple Leaf centered in the middle of the ''Golden Arches''


This pleases me....he rerekeetanga pai teenei.




No security in a friendship meant for 2 people.




Negative experiences and the forecoming mothers blood, but not early enough...and what influence it will have on my experience here, and your's.


Far from home...Lack of wairua, loss of mana and a slow depletion of aroha.




"I just want to have a good vacation. I don't want to talk about it (with you). I don't want to argue...It's my vacation too."

Its not my vacation! My thoughts return to Aoteroa. My life continues without me...steadily moving on course. Class, research, class, whaanau (Kii au nei, me koe hoki.) work. Leaving me behind...

I want to talk about my dis-comfort. I want to argue about dis-ease, why I feel insecure. I would rather argue, than not talk. Not talking about an issue, usually leads to not talking at all... (Whakaaro Paakehaa teenei.)
More sacrifice, but unseen....



WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS??



"The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the one's worth suffering for." -Bob Marley.

Are you a "one's"? Am I for you? Time will tell me...and distance will show me.

Will I say I trust you again.....will you???

we need to talk...

Respect, Honesty and Communication....these are the parameters.

Jetlag

Weary, late....I've been here for a good while now.

Far out fitgue can play with your mind.

"I can do It"!

I meant "fatigue"...disjointed thorts that seem to make sense at the time, and then you really really need to sleep.

But yyour body is awake...or is it the other way around.

As long as Im happy with my destination...this too will resolve its self. New lands....new people...new language.

Is jetlag from the plane trip, time and space difference or the over exposure to "new"?


Is there a difference?? I was sitting in a plane for 13 hours. THe only wa y I could tell I was moving was by the sound of the engines pumping and the tilt of the plane. Then touch down...How do I know I wasn't just dangling in the air for the same amount of time and Papatuanuku put on the cloak of another make...with new children, included in the price of the ticket.

Glad to be here...Mates, friends.....glad to have made it. Deflate. Relax and enjoy. These are the rewards of jetlag...I think? I forgot jetlag is new too.

Weary...I need to sleep!

Mr Death and the re-alignment!!

I didn't really care if Mr Deaths tea was cold or not. And he knew it, but, with his usual grace of self, Mr Death beared down and awaited for more to come. Mr Death was not wrong to think so.

My mood had been hollow and harsh.

I acted like I knew better than he and any one else out there, and I was not willing to be lenient whats so ever. However, Mr Death could see the holes in my strategy and the loops in my techniques. The main point missed by my tunnel vision, was the one glaring point Mr Death hadn't. The truth being, I was out of line, and I didn't even know it!

EGG.

So, Mr Death mustered enough paitence, so not to laugh at me till he's sides splits and enough compassion, so not to just take me to the rest that waits, and listened:

"Well...it was the best thing I could have done for her. IF, I hadn't helped her...she would be in the same place She haD been beforE. It wouldn't haVe hurt her toO Much I recKon mR Death."


"...really?"


"well....I've been down that road myself...stuck, in, mmmy own mind. But I got thru it. and I could be able to help...Im telling you now I can do...wonderful things for her annd the rest of them, as long as they listened to me and I can get them through this stale place...Its like they love living this way...Im gonna give them choices and options....but she neededd to wake up. Tha's why..I had too!!

My eyes had become brightened by the clarity of future ventures, movement, motion. I could feel the pitch of my voice go up...Mr Death sat with an eager posture. There was no question coming from him...I continued my case.

"Yep...and there was no real issue with shoving her around and making her listen. I had been assertive. And she needed to hear it...I'll just think about what I've done after we've finished the work we've started...Theres not much that can be said now that its happened...with all that in mind what else could there possibly be left to say about my pushing her around to get my point across...whats done is done, what I've done???..."

At that stage, spoken with a clear soft voice, Mr Death uttered two sentences that brought me crashing to the floor...defeated, detested and accountable. Leaving me to question the person I am, and the path I am becoming.


"You don't have the right to harm anybody. You do not have the right."

EXOTIC

...how do you define exotic??

I have always pictured "exotic" as a steaming jungle that hasn't be touched by humanity's hunger for excess. Where the scent of wet spice and savage danger thinkens the air. Where the sounds of the birds and animals that call the jungle home are just as vocal at night as they are during the day. Where there are a million shades of green and a zillion shades of mother nature at her hottest, or

A canary yellow Diablo Lamborghini pounding the road at a cruise of 160km/phr like it was a Sunday drive at 50km. It would take corners like it was a lazy boy in full use....easy as. It would be as fast coming as the moans of a 18 year old teenaged girl sharing her "exotic" for the first time, speeding at neck breaking pace to the top of her mountain.

or...

white glass sand for miles...no one around but you, plunging waves with clean breaks the sun that is hot enough to warm the water to a balmy 22 degrees, the moon big enough to light your nocturnal adventures, fresh fruit, an endless glass of "The eye of the hurricane"...and company.

In saying that...
How I define what isn't "exotic"? Completing 11 out of 12 steps in a 12 step programme is not exotic...its embarassing.

Taking a date to McDonalds, and then the park...and you're in your 3o's is not exotic. Thats just sad...

umm..and to conclude, I don't think cuzzies are exotic though.

We're cuzzies! but thats me.

Sit back be easy....

Lost without words, I'm thinking, what is the purpose to it anyway??
That's what I'm asking you??
Left shattered and hurting. Pick myself up I'm worth it!
It's what I have to do. It's what i Have to do.

As I move towards the reason for my being. I hope I recognise the lessons as they come to me.

Cause I can't have everything.
No, I can't have everything. x2
But I can have me.

Sit back be easy, take in solace as you breath and breath out everything, you don't want in you.
Collective beliefs be proven. You should do as we say, just don't do as we do. (We)Have other plans for you.

As you move towards the reason for your being. I hope you recognise the lessons as they come to you.

Cause you can't have everything.
No, you can't have everything. x2
But you can have me.

OOOOh...Run for cover when things get scary.
OOOOh...Don't want others finding out.
OOOOh...The lapse of judgements temporary.
OOOOh...Back tomorrow lying to myself.

Cause I don't need everything.
And I don't want everything.
Cause it wouldn't mean anything,
without you.

Sit back be easy. Take in solace as you breath.

Mr Death and sex.

As always, I waited patiently...I knew he'd be over soon...And this time I had all the questions and I wanted him to answer...

I set the table with all the good favourites. Tea, cupcakes (Mr Death showed a liking for cupcakes) Then waited patiently. He was late!! Did he know what my plan was?? I started to worry that something bad had happened to Mr. Death, and as quickly as I had had the thought, was a quickly as I had started laughing at the thought...(Had something bad happened to Mr. Death, C'mon self!!). Knock, knock...I stood with a start and moved to greet my friend....I gave him a rushed but loving hongi, poured his tea, and straight into the topic for the day...

"Mr. Death...What up with sex, cuz???"

Mr Death didn't appreciate it when I called him cuz, mainly because it usually expressed my annoyance or followed with an annoying request. This time I had managed to incorporate both aspect of annoyance at once!!

"Can you extend on your question please?" Mr Death replying with his droll tone.

"Well, whats the purpose?? I mean, if it's only meant for procreation?? Then why give humans sex drive?? If it's meant to be an express of love?? Then why call it sex?? If it's meant to be the paramount of physical connection?? Then why have so many contradictory rules of engagement??"

Of course at that point I had gone off on a tangent, and had forgotten I had had a guest in the first place...I turned around with a surprised look on my face when I heard Mr Death clear his throat, I apologised, and asked him to forgive my rudeness.
Mr Death graciously accepted and (for the first time) systematically addressed each question.

"The reason for so many rules is because you people are selfish! And rather than allowing the connection to happen. You people would rather know what that physical connection has to offer first, before you connect. Therefore, you people are the reason there are, as you put it, "So many contradictory rules of engagement"

At this point I started to feel sick.

"The reason it is called sex is because you people could not handle the responsibility of love, but did not want to sacrifice the pleasure it afforded, so, being the arrogant creatures you people are, you people changed the name to something that can be contained...If you notice this relates directly to the previous question."

At this point I knew us people were getting hammered by Mr Death.

"That being said, you will not be surprised when I say, you people were not given sex drive. You people gave yourselves sex drive. The gods gave you love with the intention that off-spring would be a result of that love. Sex does not come from the gods, love does!!

I felt a change in Mr Death, that scared me, At this point I knew Mr Death was on his own tangent.


"You people have been given the gift of love, and life, yet you people manipulate both to protect your insecurities. You people speak lies, and say you do so, because you do not want to hurt others! When in fact you people speak lies, because you people do not want others to take their love from you! Love is everywhere, yet you people can not see it until it is pointed out to you, and in return, you people spend great amounts of time, trying to discredit what you've been shown. You people can be shown, taught, told and guided to what love means, and what purpose love has, but the arrogance and ignorance of your kind is all you people believe in. What do you have to say to this my child?"

At this point I knew I was getting hammered by Mr Death, and I need to re-establish myself.

"You need to get laid Cuz!!"

Lyrics.

Take your time to see the view,

when the starts are shining and the moon is still(full).

When all is said and done...you know your gonna run, so take your time to see the view!

Have your question have your truth! Work with the answers that work for you. When all is said and done, you know your gonna run, so, work with the answers that work for you.

Chorus:
Baby why'd you do that?
Baby why'd you have to leave?
Baby don't you know that,
Baby don't you know I need?? x2.

Make your leave or make you move.
Go or stay. It's all on you.
When all is said and done, you know your gonna run, so, make you leave or make you move (or, go or stay it's all on you.)

Chorus.

Bridge:
I don't care what you say. You know the rules now play the game. You'll learn patience and I'll learn to wait. Hope I see you face and then...

You'll give me you hand,I'll give you proof. Of someone who's willing to stand with you....when all is said and done...there's no where else to run...so give me your hand I'll give you proof. (or when someone is willing to stand with you.)